The love letter

I once got a love letter from someone who should not have been sending me a love letter. It wasn't a family member or anything weird like that (sorry, no crazy stories of incest or Oedipus complexes) but it was the boyfriend of someone I cared about very, very much (and still do).

To be honest, I shared some of his feelings but I never said as much. He was very important to me too. I kept the letter for a long time, hidden away, constantly terrified that someone would find it. Eventually I threw it out. At that point the boyfriend was gone from my life and from my friend's life, but I still worried that if I died and someone found the letter it would be too upsetting. Or that I would be seen to be in collusion even though I never responded (he even told me not to) and never reciprocated any hint of affection beyond what would have been acceptable given our relationship.

The letter explained what the boyfriend thought were all of my wonderful qualities. Why I was perfect and special and would find the most amazing person in the world to love me (and how they would be better than him). Some of the things he wrote were things I wished about myself, some of them were things I doubted about myself, and some of them were things that I'd never even thought about myself. That letter did more for my self esteem than anything else in my life, ever. So even though it was wrong, and even though in the letter he acknowledged that he knew it was wrong to be saying all of this and that obviously nothing would ever come of any of it, it was the nicest thing anyone had ever written about/said to me.

Years after that, I got another letter from a male friend of mine along the same vein. He was married, but in an unhappy marriage. He was expressing himself without asking for or expecting anything. He was a good man and he, like the boyfriend, acknowledged that the letter was probably improper and unfair. In this case I had very deep feelings for this man. But he was married and I cannot do that to another woman, even if she is a shrew, even if I don't know her. I just can't. He did eventually leave her, by which time our geography was such an inconvenience, that even though we had mutual feelings, I think we'd missed or shot. And he found someone else and remarried, and last I heard from him, was very happy.

The sad part for me remains that these two letters were the best love letters I have ever received. I guess unfulfilled love is like that. When you're with someone, you don't think to say the wonderful things that these letters said. You don't think you need to say it because you're in the relationship so clearly you love and value that person. (Although, I would add that I think in many cases, you most need to say these things to someone you're in a relationship with because the given isn't always apparent and saying nice things is always, well, nice. But I digress.)

And here I am, many, many years later, still single, with apparently no one else seeing what they saw. It seems hugely unfair. But at least I know that two someones, at sometime, thought all these perfect things about me. I can only hope that isn't the run of my luck.

Come on, men, step it up.

So, dating has not been amazing. To sum up, Teacher, who was pretty wonderful and funny and sweet and chivalrous but not condescendingly or sexistly so, didn't fancy me. The first guy I meet through all this nonsense that I actually really like and see potential with just isn't that into me. Sigh. Of course. Onward ho! (Dual meaning there, get it? Get it?!?)

I then went on one date where my gut told me, "This is the kind of guy you worry about meeting through online dating - a little bit creepy and who you think might just chop you up into bits in a dark alley." So obviously that didn't work out.

I updated my profile, added some new pictures and got a slew of "likes" and "winks" which I lament, again, are completely useless. If you like me, message me. Seriously. A like or wink does nothing. Are you actually just saying, "Hey, I wanted to let you know you're cute but I'm not really, terribly interested," or are you saying, "I really like you and want to talk to you, please message me back." Because if it's the latter, well, grow some ovaries and message me.

I messaged one guy who liked me. He read the message and never responded. Wait... what?!? YOU liked ME. WTF? So I don't know how to respond to those people. I half contemplated putting a note on my profile about this, something to the effect of, "Hey, if you want to talk to me just message me, don't wink at me or like me. Message me. If you wink or like me I'll assume you're just saying well done, looking good, you'll do well. Not with me but I think you'll be okay." But then I was worried I'd sound like an asshole which would put people off.

Maybe I could sweeten it with, "I'll make you a deal: if you at least make the effort to message me, I promise to respond, even if I'm not keen." Something I'm not currently doing as I haven't quite worked out how to message people back to say, "No thanks," in a way that doesn't totally make them feel like complete and utter shit. I mean, I have toughened up. When a guy doesn't message me back I chalk it up to him just not being interested and that's okay. Apart from the guy who said he was interested anyway - that guy is an asshole and an idiot.

But that also brings me back to my whole belief in the necessity of "the chase". Of the man needing to make the first move and do the first date ask. Here I thought the first move was liking me. So I followed up with a message. And then he ran away. Perhaps I should have just liked him back, let him send the first message - if he was ever going to. But piss or get off the pot people! I hate games! Unless it's games night at a friend's and the games are Four On The Couch or Settlers of Catan.

So today, reading this article that purported to be about wage inequality (it wasn't), I found my self screaming, "YES!" as I read along to this:

However, Anderson's definitive rule is this: "the person that asks pays." It should be relied on in 99 of 100 situations, she says. Women who ask men out should expect to pay, and she says splitting the bill just isn't sexy.

Anderson is so clear in her position that I start to feel confident. We are in a new age where men and women are economic equals, even at the dinner table.

This is how I work the dating terrain too - I fully believe that whoever asks should pay. And then it goes on to completely nail the other side of that.

That is until Anderson adds this: "My experience," she says, "has been that when women ask men out, it doesn't lead to anything long term."

And here it is. Though I would gladly pay should I ask him out (and have), I shouldn't be asking him out. Sigh.

Utterly depressing really. So the guys are winking and liking away, and I'm completely unable to do anything with that except sit back and wait for one of them to balls-up and message me. This is ludicrous.

And maybe the point is that the right guy will be cool with me asking him out, and that will be how I find him. But so far, that isn't working for me. At all. And so in an experiment last week I too tried liking and winking to see if that is all a guy needs to feel encouraged to message me and guess what? The answer is still no. So either every guy out there, even on a paid dating site, is still spineless, or I'm just not a catch. And I have to tell you, I may not love myself in every way, everyday, but I am damn sure that I am a catch.

Your move, men.

You really do get what you pay for...

I'm dating a grown-up! Whose intentions are clear. I feel like I am being wooed. He pays for things and in fact was insistent that I *not* even buy dessert last night when I offered. I have to say I'm enjoying the change. He has taken me skating and to a local park's Christmas lights display. He makes me laugh and he's intelligent and he's interesting. He even opened the car door for me! Oh, and he's pretty cute too.

"How did this happen?" you may find yourself wondering.

I finally sucked it up and paid for a profile on a proper dating site. And look what happened. You really do get what you pay for. Quality men. Someone serious about looking for a partner who is also serious about dating and not looking to just get chummy and hope something happens. Effort. That's what it comes down to. This guy, lets call him Teacher (highly inventive), is making an effort. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts, hoping that it's for a long while...

OKCupid hates me

So, I join OKCupid (OKC) and the first thing it does is try to set me up with Reese. As if that weren't torture enough, this morning it recommended my ex of eight years ago. An arrogant ass whose smarm is the smarmiest in smarmdon.

We were together almost a year. I was delusional. More than once I recall being in tears on the phone with my sister, and it was my own stupidity that kept me there when he treated me so poorly. In the end, I'd like to say I was smart enough to dump him but no. He dumped me. And I wasn't surprised or upset so much by the dumping itself, but I was pissed that after two years of friendship and then almost a year as partners, he did it over the phone. Then expected we'd be friends and everything would be happy. Eff that. So no, I do not want to hit that sh*t again.

I guess we're good on paper, but again, just as OKC misses the psychotic benchmark test, it also misses the one for arrogance. No thanks, OKC. Fail on that one. Epic fail.

(Incidentally, Match.com is churning out better candidates, go figure, you get what you pay for.)

Goodbye and goodbye

I was holding someone in my heart for a long time, and this week I guess I got that sorted out. I didn't get a real answer, but I got answer enough to know I have to let that go. That was disappointing. Two and a half years is a long time to wonder and a long time to build things up in your head, to reaches beyond what was ever real in the first place, thus making failure almost inevitable anyway.

But one thing this reality-check did do was give me enough conviction to tell Chef that I'm not into him. I'm not even a fraction of the into him I felt for the other person. And I'm not saying it always has to be crazy, passionate love, because I know it isn't always (and it wasn't that with this other guy either), but it does have to have some inkling of that, some deeper connection and a physical attraction, and with Chef that's just not there.

It doesn't help that although Chef and I had five dates (none of which he paid for) he never tried to show physical affection beyond a hug - no touching, hand-holding, kissing. Five. Dates. Sneezy did the same thing. So really, how into *me* were they? Sneezy told me after that in fact he was really into me but I'd never have known it from his behaviour. Both of these guys put themselves in the friend zone.

So now I'm kind of exhausted. I've been dating somewhat steadily since June. I know other people do it a lot more, but I'm not those other people. Unfortunately I did just sign up on a paid dating site as per a couple of friends' recent experiences and stories. I was a little too fast to push that shiny red button and now I don't want to waste my money.

I keep saying I'll be more cutthroat about dating and then I'm not. I shouldn't have had a fifth date with Chef so why did I? But maybe now that I'm paying there will be a value-for-money incentive. Heh heh. Who knows.

What I do know is that there are guys I'm into, they are real people, they are usually pretty normal/average (my expectations are not ridiculous), and there must be more of them out there. More like the one I said goodbye to this week, who I both connected with and am attracted to, and for whom I was willing to make an effort. This long-felt connection may not have been reciprocated (either the feelings or the effort required or maybe both) but one of them will, and that will be the right one. The one who can't wait to kiss me and who shows me he's into me. And hopefully I'll find him sooner rather than later.

Should I choose men based on my pulse?

I've been dating Chef for a couple of weeks now. We've had four dates. I've been waffling a bit on him. He seems like a good fit but nothing is actually happening. I would expect a guy to kiss me by the third date, or at least try, I'll let you know if it's not cool. But if you made it past interview screenings one and two, then I like you enough to now find out if there's also sexual chemistry. If a guy doesn't kiss me by date four or five, he's already put himself in the friend zone. I lose interest because I feel like the interest isn't there. And that's where I'm at with Chef. Nice guy, amusing, intelligent, cooks and has really great eyes (he is a good looking guy) but hasn't tried to make a move (nor has he paid for a date). It's also hard to schedule dates when our schedules are polar opposite most days.

I get intimidation and all that, but I also think that people should know how to date. If not, do some research because there are actually a lot of good articles out there. And date three definitely means we like you enough to let you get a bit closer. So get closer.

Well, I just had an acupuncture treatment. My acupuncturist is truly amazing and she has been a great sounding board for my dating woes and online adventures (I also haven't had a headache/migraine since the end of August). It was her that encouraged me to get online and put myself out there. In today's treatment I told her about Chef, about the current state of things, and that I was now almost certain it was doomed. Her response, based on assessing my pulse and energy as I talked about him: "You're just not into him."

Really, all she did was tell me something I was already thinking and knew. She listened to me (apparently I said his name rather like one might bemoan a looming deadline - with a downward tone and deflated sigh) as well as saw my body language, and felt my body's reaction. Her assessment is bang on. I am not twitterpated.

But if I hadn't already mostly made up my mind, should I use those indicators to do so? Maybe this a new screening process I can use after the second date to decide whether to go on a third? Okay, probably not. Even though my acupuncturist is actually very good at reading me, I should probably just make up my own mind instead of fobbing off such an important decision.

I also understand that sometimes the deeper stuff takes time to grow, but we're not out looking to make friends here. In the world of online dating, early chemistry is really a must. When you meet people through friends again and again, feelings have time to develop. Not so with online dating. I've been on many third and fourth dates where I couldn't wait for the fifth and was a smitten kitten. So I know the difference. I just hate that again, a guy who I think is a catch isn't my catch. But what can I do right? Soldier on I must. But first, the dreadful part. I guess I have to let Chef know we won't be having a fifth date.

Wanted: a highly sexual ongoing time

I've just gotten a message from Jason. In his profile, Jason says:

I am looking for someone that is fun, easygoing, exciting, not afraid to let loose, and can handle an amazing casual and highly sexual ongoing time (note: ONGOING) that is mature, respectful and safe and fun!

I'm not sure what that means but I'm also not super keen to find out. Does ONGOING -- which was important enough to mention *twice* -- mean long as in time, or does it mean monogamous? And if it's monogamous then why is it casual? He just wants a lot of sex but forget all the other relationship stuff? Or is it ongoing but not monogamous? It's nice that he wants it to be mature and respectful and safe, but anyway I look at it, it's not really what I'm looking for. Plus, Jason missed the "local" bit too. Why can't men read?

I haven't read the message but I'm not super motivated to do so at this point. In fact, I'm a little frightened. But if and when I do read it, and if it's amusing, I'll be sure to share.

[UPDATED]

This guy really wants sex. His message to me just says the same thing:

Hi there!

I think we are on the same page. Just looking for someone who wants a great ongoing casual sex relationship, that can handle a mature, respectful, fun and SAFE time!

I am 37yr old, 6'1, dark brown hair and eyes, 195lbs, athletic and active guy. I would like to meet someone to make sure we click, and then just have a great ongoing time!

Let me know what you think?

Cheers,

Jason

We are *so* not on the same page, Jason. And, incidentally, Jason no longer has an account. Reported by one too many women, me thinks.