The love letter

I once got a love letter from someone who should not have been sending me a love letter. It wasn't a family member or anything weird like that (sorry, no crazy stories of incest or Oedipus complexes) but it was the boyfriend of someone I cared about very, very much (and still do).

To be honest, I shared some of his feelings but I never said as much. He was very important to me too. I kept the letter for a long time, hidden away, constantly terrified that someone would find it. Eventually I threw it out. At that point the boyfriend was gone from my life and from my friend's life, but I still worried that if I died and someone found the letter it would be too upsetting. Or that I would be seen to be in collusion even though I never responded (he even told me not to) and never reciprocated any hint of affection beyond what would have been acceptable given our relationship.

The letter explained what the boyfriend thought were all of my wonderful qualities. Why I was perfect and special and would find the most amazing person in the world to love me (and how they would be better than him). Some of the things he wrote were things I wished about myself, some of them were things I doubted about myself, and some of them were things that I'd never even thought about myself. That letter did more for my self esteem than anything else in my life, ever. So even though it was wrong, and even though in the letter he acknowledged that he knew it was wrong to be saying all of this and that obviously nothing would ever come of any of it, it was the nicest thing anyone had ever written about/said to me.

Years after that, I got another letter from a male friend of mine along the same vein. He was married, but in an unhappy marriage. He was expressing himself without asking for or expecting anything. He was a good man and he, like the boyfriend, acknowledged that the letter was probably improper and unfair. In this case I had very deep feelings for this man. But he was married and I cannot do that to another woman, even if she is a shrew, even if I don't know her. I just can't. He did eventually leave her, by which time our geography was such an inconvenience, that even though we had mutual feelings, I think we'd missed or shot. And he found someone else and remarried, and last I heard from him, was very happy.

The sad part for me remains that these two letters were the best love letters I have ever received. I guess unfulfilled love is like that. When you're with someone, you don't think to say the wonderful things that these letters said. You don't think you need to say it because you're in the relationship so clearly you love and value that person. (Although, I would add that I think in many cases, you most need to say these things to someone you're in a relationship with because the given isn't always apparent and saying nice things is always, well, nice. But I digress.)

And here I am, many, many years later, still single, with apparently no one else seeing what they saw. It seems hugely unfair. But at least I know that two someones, at sometime, thought all these perfect things about me. I can only hope that isn't the run of my luck.

Come on, men, step it up.

So, dating has not been amazing. To sum up, Teacher, who was pretty wonderful and funny and sweet and chivalrous but not condescendingly or sexistly so, didn't fancy me. The first guy I meet through all this nonsense that I actually really like and see potential with just isn't that into me. Sigh. Of course. Onward ho! (Dual meaning there, get it? Get it?!?)

I then went on one date where my gut told me, "This is the kind of guy you worry about meeting through online dating - a little bit creepy and who you think might just chop you up into bits in a dark alley." So obviously that didn't work out.

I updated my profile, added some new pictures and got a slew of "likes" and "winks" which I lament, again, are completely useless. If you like me, message me. Seriously. A like or wink does nothing. Are you actually just saying, "Hey, I wanted to let you know you're cute but I'm not really, terribly interested," or are you saying, "I really like you and want to talk to you, please message me back." Because if it's the latter, well, grow some ovaries and message me.

I messaged one guy who liked me. He read the message and never responded. Wait... what?!? YOU liked ME. WTF? So I don't know how to respond to those people. I half contemplated putting a note on my profile about this, something to the effect of, "Hey, if you want to talk to me just message me, don't wink at me or like me. Message me. If you wink or like me I'll assume you're just saying well done, looking good, you'll do well. Not with me but I think you'll be okay." But then I was worried I'd sound like an asshole which would put people off.

Maybe I could sweeten it with, "I'll make you a deal: if you at least make the effort to message me, I promise to respond, even if I'm not keen." Something I'm not currently doing as I haven't quite worked out how to message people back to say, "No thanks," in a way that doesn't totally make them feel like complete and utter shit. I mean, I have toughened up. When a guy doesn't message me back I chalk it up to him just not being interested and that's okay. Apart from the guy who said he was interested anyway - that guy is an asshole and an idiot.

But that also brings me back to my whole belief in the necessity of "the chase". Of the man needing to make the first move and do the first date ask. Here I thought the first move was liking me. So I followed up with a message. And then he ran away. Perhaps I should have just liked him back, let him send the first message - if he was ever going to. But piss or get off the pot people! I hate games! Unless it's games night at a friend's and the games are Four On The Couch or Settlers of Catan.

So today, reading this article that purported to be about wage inequality (it wasn't), I found my self screaming, "YES!" as I read along to this:

However, Anderson's definitive rule is this: "the person that asks pays." It should be relied on in 99 of 100 situations, she says. Women who ask men out should expect to pay, and she says splitting the bill just isn't sexy.

Anderson is so clear in her position that I start to feel confident. We are in a new age where men and women are economic equals, even at the dinner table.

This is how I work the dating terrain too - I fully believe that whoever asks should pay. And then it goes on to completely nail the other side of that.

That is until Anderson adds this: "My experience," she says, "has been that when women ask men out, it doesn't lead to anything long term."

And here it is. Though I would gladly pay should I ask him out (and have), I shouldn't be asking him out. Sigh.

Utterly depressing really. So the guys are winking and liking away, and I'm completely unable to do anything with that except sit back and wait for one of them to balls-up and message me. This is ludicrous.

And maybe the point is that the right guy will be cool with me asking him out, and that will be how I find him. But so far, that isn't working for me. At all. And so in an experiment last week I too tried liking and winking to see if that is all a guy needs to feel encouraged to message me and guess what? The answer is still no. So either every guy out there, even on a paid dating site, is still spineless, or I'm just not a catch. And I have to tell you, I may not love myself in every way, everyday, but I am damn sure that I am a catch.

Your move, men.

You really do get what you pay for...

I'm dating a grown-up! Whose intentions are clear. I feel like I am being wooed. He pays for things and in fact was insistent that I *not* even buy dessert last night when I offered. I have to say I'm enjoying the change. He has taken me skating and to a local park's Christmas lights display. He makes me laugh and he's intelligent and he's interesting. He even opened the car door for me! Oh, and he's pretty cute too.

"How did this happen?" you may find yourself wondering.

I finally sucked it up and paid for a profile on a proper dating site. And look what happened. You really do get what you pay for. Quality men. Someone serious about looking for a partner who is also serious about dating and not looking to just get chummy and hope something happens. Effort. That's what it comes down to. This guy, lets call him Teacher (highly inventive), is making an effort. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts, hoping that it's for a long while...

OKCupid hates me

So, I join OKCupid (OKC) and the first thing it does is try to set me up with Reese. As if that weren't torture enough, this morning it recommended my ex of eight years ago. An arrogant ass whose smarm is the smarmiest in smarmdon.

We were together almost a year. I was delusional. More than once I recall being in tears on the phone with my sister, and it was my own stupidity that kept me there when he treated me so poorly. In the end, I'd like to say I was smart enough to dump him but no. He dumped me. And I wasn't surprised or upset so much by the dumping itself, but I was pissed that after two years of friendship and then almost a year as partners, he did it over the phone. Then expected we'd be friends and everything would be happy. Eff that. So no, I do not want to hit that sh*t again.

I guess we're good on paper, but again, just as OKC misses the psychotic benchmark test, it also misses the one for arrogance. No thanks, OKC. Fail on that one. Epic fail.

(Incidentally, Match.com is churning out better candidates, go figure, you get what you pay for.)

Goodbye and goodbye

I was holding someone in my heart for a long time, and this week I guess I got that sorted out. I didn't get a real answer, but I got answer enough to know I have to let that go. That was disappointing. Two and a half years is a long time to wonder and a long time to build things up in your head, to reaches beyond what was ever real in the first place, thus making failure almost inevitable anyway.

But one thing this reality-check did do was give me enough conviction to tell Chef that I'm not into him. I'm not even a fraction of the into him I felt for the other person. And I'm not saying it always has to be crazy, passionate love, because I know it isn't always (and it wasn't that with this other guy either), but it does have to have some inkling of that, some deeper connection and a physical attraction, and with Chef that's just not there.

It doesn't help that although Chef and I had five dates (none of which he paid for) he never tried to show physical affection beyond a hug - no touching, hand-holding, kissing. Five. Dates. Sneezy did the same thing. So really, how into *me* were they? Sneezy told me after that in fact he was really into me but I'd never have known it from his behaviour. Both of these guys put themselves in the friend zone.

So now I'm kind of exhausted. I've been dating somewhat steadily since June. I know other people do it a lot more, but I'm not those other people. Unfortunately I did just sign up on a paid dating site as per a couple of friends' recent experiences and stories. I was a little too fast to push that shiny red button and now I don't want to waste my money.

I keep saying I'll be more cutthroat about dating and then I'm not. I shouldn't have had a fifth date with Chef so why did I? But maybe now that I'm paying there will be a value-for-money incentive. Heh heh. Who knows.

What I do know is that there are guys I'm into, they are real people, they are usually pretty normal/average (my expectations are not ridiculous), and there must be more of them out there. More like the one I said goodbye to this week, who I both connected with and am attracted to, and for whom I was willing to make an effort. This long-felt connection may not have been reciprocated (either the feelings or the effort required or maybe both) but one of them will, and that will be the right one. The one who can't wait to kiss me and who shows me he's into me. And hopefully I'll find him sooner rather than later.

Should I choose men based on my pulse?

I've been dating Chef for a couple of weeks now. We've had four dates. I've been waffling a bit on him. He seems like a good fit but nothing is actually happening. I would expect a guy to kiss me by the third date, or at least try, I'll let you know if it's not cool. But if you made it past interview screenings one and two, then I like you enough to now find out if there's also sexual chemistry. If a guy doesn't kiss me by date four or five, he's already put himself in the friend zone. I lose interest because I feel like the interest isn't there. And that's where I'm at with Chef. Nice guy, amusing, intelligent, cooks and has really great eyes (he is a good looking guy) but hasn't tried to make a move (nor has he paid for a date). It's also hard to schedule dates when our schedules are polar opposite most days.

I get intimidation and all that, but I also think that people should know how to date. If not, do some research because there are actually a lot of good articles out there. And date three definitely means we like you enough to let you get a bit closer. So get closer.

Well, I just had an acupuncture treatment. My acupuncturist is truly amazing and she has been a great sounding board for my dating woes and online adventures (I also haven't had a headache/migraine since the end of August). It was her that encouraged me to get online and put myself out there. In today's treatment I told her about Chef, about the current state of things, and that I was now almost certain it was doomed. Her response, based on assessing my pulse and energy as I talked about him: "You're just not into him."

Really, all she did was tell me something I was already thinking and knew. She listened to me (apparently I said his name rather like one might bemoan a looming deadline - with a downward tone and deflated sigh) as well as saw my body language, and felt my body's reaction. Her assessment is bang on. I am not twitterpated.

But if I hadn't already mostly made up my mind, should I use those indicators to do so? Maybe this a new screening process I can use after the second date to decide whether to go on a third? Okay, probably not. Even though my acupuncturist is actually very good at reading me, I should probably just make up my own mind instead of fobbing off such an important decision.

I also understand that sometimes the deeper stuff takes time to grow, but we're not out looking to make friends here. In the world of online dating, early chemistry is really a must. When you meet people through friends again and again, feelings have time to develop. Not so with online dating. I've been on many third and fourth dates where I couldn't wait for the fifth and was a smitten kitten. So I know the difference. I just hate that again, a guy who I think is a catch isn't my catch. But what can I do right? Soldier on I must. But first, the dreadful part. I guess I have to let Chef know we won't be having a fifth date.

Wanted: a highly sexual ongoing time

I've just gotten a message from Jason. In his profile, Jason says:

I am looking for someone that is fun, easygoing, exciting, not afraid to let loose, and can handle an amazing casual and highly sexual ongoing time (note: ONGOING) that is mature, respectful and safe and fun!

I'm not sure what that means but I'm also not super keen to find out. Does ONGOING -- which was important enough to mention *twice* -- mean long as in time, or does it mean monogamous? And if it's monogamous then why is it casual? He just wants a lot of sex but forget all the other relationship stuff? Or is it ongoing but not monogamous? It's nice that he wants it to be mature and respectful and safe, but anyway I look at it, it's not really what I'm looking for. Plus, Jason missed the "local" bit too. Why can't men read?

I haven't read the message but I'm not super motivated to do so at this point. In fact, I'm a little frightened. But if and when I do read it, and if it's amusing, I'll be sure to share.

[UPDATED]

This guy really wants sex. His message to me just says the same thing:

Hi there!

I think we are on the same page. Just looking for someone who wants a great ongoing casual sex relationship, that can handle a mature, respectful, fun and SAFE time!

I am 37yr old, 6'1, dark brown hair and eyes, 195lbs, athletic and active guy. I would like to meet someone to make sure we click, and then just have a great ongoing time!

Let me know what you think?

Cheers,

Jason

We are *so* not on the same page, Jason. And, incidentally, Jason no longer has an account. Reported by one too many women, me thinks.

By most standards

"Hello, Your profile caught my interest. By most standards I am considered intelligent, open minded, funny, sporty and a kind man :) Would you like to exchange more info?"

Okay, so it's not creepy, but where is the effort? This guy could have copied and pasted this generic message to 50 women for all I know. Tell me *why* my profile caught your interest. Where do you think we connect?

Also, "by most standards" is not reassuring. *Most* people are idiots. C'mon, you all know it's true. Well, I sure know I'm not average. I'm not saying I'm above average, I'm saying I'm weird. Anyway, your profile already has all that garbage about how awesome you are. Why don't you tell me something new?

It hardly matters though. I'm meeting someone on Thursday. He's a chef so, you know, bonus points already. He loves camping, he lives in the same town, he doesn't smoke, and actually, a couple of people I know also know him (small town, remember?) and say he's good people. So, we'll see. I know that didn't exactly work with Sneezy, but this guy could be totally different. We'll call him Chef, not to be all obvious about it or anything.

To wrap up, I watched the movie Friends with Kids over the weekend. It was no Bridesmaids (yes, I'd heard it compared) but it was amusing. One exchange had me in tears (of laughter):

Leslie: I have at least four set-ups. One of which is promising.
Julie: And what about the other ones?
Leslie: Not as promising.

Ah, the dating life.

Getting it right

Here is a good profile intro (in contrast to the last post):

Intelligent, funny, handsome, honest, dependable, sincere, strange, courageous, tall, fit, handy, worldly, friendly, confident, organized, punctual. These are just a few of the words I know.

Unfortunately I don't think he and I are a match made in heaven given some other profile info, but at least he starts off very well. This guy's messages will probably be returned. (He has not messaged me, just showed up as a possible match.)

So this guy messaged me

FIRST AND FOREMOST, I AM SINGLE. this in itself, speaks volumes!

Really? How? What does it say? That at 39 you're still single so obviously a catch? I mean, you might be a catch, but if you're asking me to interpret this weird introduction, it may not be interpreted well.

Also, this guy LOVES CAPS!! And loves highlighting his amazing features FOR THE LADIES! For example...

I am chivalrous (and YES LADIES, it is NOT dead! LOL!) I'm WITTY, and YES, sarcastic at times. I am VERY compassionate. I would LOVE to meet a woman who can COMPLIMENT my life and NOT COMPLICATE it. I enjoy shopping (YES LADIES, SHOPPING!). IF you are looking for someone who is sincere, honest, funny, hard working AND if you are willing to give the same back to me, then I say drop me a line and let's take this forward....... And if an I'M or Message is sent to you Please be kind and Reply Fair is Fair.

And here is the message he sent me: "Good morning and what a beautiful smile and lovely eyes hope you have a great day Hope to hear from you"

First of all, it's called punctuation, please use it. Second, you should read this:

How to not be terribly, blatantly shallow on OKCupid

Think it through: If you’re messaging someone, they know you’ve seen their pictures and you clearly approve of how they look. Commenting on their appearance comes across as creepy (“nice tits”) or uncreative (“you have beautiful eyes”). So keep your mouth shut (or your typing fingers inactive) when it comes to comments about someone’s face/head/body.

How about telling me what about my profile made you message me. Oh - nothing? Just my face? Thanks but no.

Sorry sir, I won't be replying. Actually, I kind of want to PUNCH you for being ANNOYING. And *you* obviously didn't read *my* profile which says, "You should message me if you live in the same city as me, I'm looking for a local relationship." You're two hours away. Good day sir. I SAID GOOD DAY!

And then there were... none

Seriously. After a fifth date with Sneezy I've decided he's not it either. And maybe I knew it wouldn't work with either Happy or Sneezy but I needed to tackle them one at a time. I don't regret ending things with Happy. As lovely as he was, I just don't think we were right. But neither are Sneezy and I.

To be honest, there were a couple of things on our fifth date that made my mind up, and still, I wasn't even sure we were dating! It turns out he thought we were, but is a slow mover. I don't think him making a move at that point would have made any difference. And it's also good that I decided before he went in too far.

So how can this not be me? Okay, maybe it's unrealistic to assume that I would fall in love with one of the first three guys I meet online. I mean, it's a pretty superficial match-making medium. I dunno.

Anyway, now I decide whether to get back on the site, or give up for a bit again. Nothing so terrible happened so perhaps I should keep going while I have some momentum. Maybe the love of my life is right around the internet corner...

And then there was one

I had a third date with Happy (Sneezy holding at four). More fun - nighttime corn maze! So you're probably wondering why I decided to stop seeing Happy when our dates were so much more fun and interesting that the ones with Sneezy (and were definitely dates). I'll do my best to explain.

We wandered the maze with excellent team skills. We just wandered around until it got dark, then we got down to solving the puzzle in the maze. I think we ended up spending about an hour and half wandering around. We had lots of time to talk. It was a good way to bring up things that were important to me quite casually. And it gave me lots to think about.

He held my hand at one point, and when he dropped me home he kissed me on the cheek. He also paid, again (though he did let me buy him a pint later).

So why did I decide to end it?

I decided that I needed to think about what was important to me in a relationship, and then to think whether Sneezy or Happy was better poised to offer me that. In the end, and because of some fundamental differences, I decided to end it with Happy. I could see Sneezy and I doing things a month from now, but I couldn't even see Happy and I doing stuff beyond next week. I just couldn't see where we could go relationship-wise. It's hard to explain. But once it was done (and Happy was really understanding and kind - again!) I felt more excited about Sneezy.

I think Happy may be one of those guys I always wonder about, and had there not been two guys to choose from, and it was only Happy, I might have kept dating him just to see what happened beyond next week, and maybe it would have been great. But I made the call and I must keep going. So Sneezy and I are out on the weekend. We'll see...

It's a close race

So, I've had two dates with Happy and four with Sneezy. I feel like I need to let Happy catch up to even the playing field!

Sneezy and I had two more meals, dinner and brunch (so far, despite saying he's an avid hiker and into all sorts of stuff, all we've done is meals; it's getting a bit boring). Incidentally, he hasn't smoked once since that first date so I guess he really is quitting. And Sneezy also brought up the can-you-joke-about-anything debate, this time changing his stance to agree that a very few, but important, subjects may indeed be taboo. I think he thought about that one and realized what may have been happening there. So far though, Sneezy has not tried to do more than hug me (even though I kissed him on the cheek on date number three), and keeps splitting the bill, so I'm actually not sure we're dating. Maybe we're just friends hanging out?

Happy and I went and looked at art which was really fun again. Our tastes overlap a lot so at least when we decorate our shared home we won't fight over art. Heh. He was fun, funny and interesting again. And he's honest. It's hard to explain but he just is.

I feel incredibly dirty though. I'm dating two guys. And sure, it's very early days, and quite possibly they too are dating other people, and no one has asked or suggested otherwise yet, so I guess this is just dating and I need to stop being such a kid. I just don't think I can do it for much longer. The guilt will eat me and I won't have any time for friends (who have already complained for missing me).

It would be nice if one of these guys would just totally blow it, because so far they are both pretty decent.

Three men, three dates

I feel so guilty that I've had three dates in one week. Three dates with three different guys. I already feel like I'm cheating! Anyway, you know how my dates with Sneezy were, so let's briefly meet Happy and Doc.

First Happy. Aptly dwarf-named. Man was he happy! He was so different from who I read he was online. In a totally good way. I was actually worried he was going to be a bit of a dick (and this is why it's important to meet people in person). Instead he was happy, fun, thoughtful, kind and considerate. And he paid for drinks. In fact we were supposed to go mini-golfing but the place was closed. Bummer. At least he planned a fun first date - bonus points - even if we ended up just having drinks. And he offered me a lift home (which I took as we were a ways out, it was dark, and I had just missed a bus).

I'm intrigued by Happy. He will definitely get a second date.

Now Doc. Doc is a geek - which is totally okay. I myself am a nerd. But Doc is a geek who is the doppelganger of one of my co-workers. A co-worker who is perfectly nice to work with but who I would never in a million years date! His mannerisms, his way of speaking - same! He even looked like a younger version of him! So I knew quite quickly that it was not likely going to work out for us, but we grabbed teas to go and went for a nice long walk, then returned for another tea.

Doc didn't lose the doppelganger unfortunately, and he clinched it all when he damn near yelled, "I'm NEVER getting married again! OR having anymore kids!!!" Woah Doc, woah. That's cool if that's how you feel but maybe don't SCREAM it on the first date! I may not want or need those things, but maybe I'd like to know they are something that could be talked about when the time is right! Who knows, maybe that is an absolute firm NEVER so he really needs to get it out on the first date. I just think that may shut a lot of people down when you should let them get to know you first.

So Doc will not get a second date. Although, because he asked me right at the end of our date, and I can't say no to someone's face (previously discussed), I said yes. So now I'll have to do an on-second-thought message. Sigh.

And then there were two.

Second date already

I've already had a second date with the first guy. I'll have to name these guys since I have two dates lined up for later this week so lets call guy #1 Sneezy. I'm going to use dwarf names. They may or may not apply. He didn't have a cold or allergies, it was just the first name I thought of. (Don't worry, when I run out of dwarf names I can move onto reindeer).

So, Sneezy and I met for brunch today. It went well. Although again, he paid just a little over half and waited for me to put in. We did hit a few more quiet spots, but again, seem to be into the same things generally and only had one small hiccup when we disagreed on whether *any* topic can be made into a joke. I debated for Team NO. He didn't want to budge, and didn't seem to get that perhaps I said no because of personal experience. But anyway, that aside, I'm still interested enough for a third date. And yet... was that the sign I was supposed to look for?

Meanwhile, this week I have dates with two other guys (the other guy who messaged me and the guy I messaged). So we'll see how those go...

The jig is up

So, I met one of the guys, one of the ones who had messaged me. I hadn't actually told anyone I was trying online dating again, so I definitely hadn't told anyone about the date. But don't I choose the one place that my friend shows up at for after-work drinks with some co-workers. She comes over to say hi. I'm not embarrassed (of the guy or the online dating) but I know I'm going to be in trouble for not fessing up. Sigh. The cat is out of the bag. I just wasn't ready to tell everyone and turn it into a big deal when I may well pull the plug tomorrow.

Anyway, the date was good. We actually know some of the same people (of course!) and have quite a lot in common. He paid for more than half of the bill (did not offer to pay all, just waited for me to notice he hadn't paid it all). The only "ugh" moment came when he went for a smoke. Really? His profile did say "Trying to quit" so maybe it's not a lie, maybe he's just cutting back slowly, I just really don't want to date a smoker. If he really is quitting then that's okay, so for now he's still in. Date two to come...

[UPDATE: And in the end my friend just teased me but she totally understood and let me off the hook.]

And so it begins...

The trials of online dating, I mean.

I have messaged three guys. Only one has responded.

I have received a few messages. I have responded to two. People I did not respond to:

• The guy from Mexico City who wrote, "Nice tattoo."
• The guy as old as my Dad who propositioned me.
• The guy from a city two hours away who wrote, "Too bad you don't want to date outside of your own town."
• The guy who didn't have a picture or a profile and just wanted me to email him. (Scam?)
• The guy who had pictures in full camo gear with guns and ATVs - did you even read my profile?
• The guy who had a picture of a dog but not of himself. (Wait, unless the dog is looking to date?)

So that's what's out there. Like I said, I responded to two, we'll see where that goes. And the one guy who responded to me. One of the other guys who didn't respond actually looked pretty good so that's too bad. But he probably had a good reason, and if my message/profile didn't grab him, then why waste either of our time? I just learned that you don't actually have to respond to every single message and that's good. Because last time I did online dating and I did respond to everyone, even to say, thanks but no, I often got a bad response. You know, like, "You're lucky I even messaged you. I'm a catch and you're not very hot." Right okay, well then I guess we both dodged a bullet, eh?

Hopefully this isn't too soul killing.

And that's a full circle

After all this failed old-fashioned dating, I've come to the conclusion that online dating cannot actually be worse. Right? Well, after three years I'm going to give it another shot.

I have now set up what I think is a witty and amusing, while honest, profile. So it's probably terrible. Anyway, like every site, this one uses "algorithms" to match you with other users based on a bunch of pointless questions you've answered. So I'm checking these out, and I have a (good?) habit of reading the profile before I *really* look at the pictures.

I click on the first one. The profile picture is a far off shot of a guy and a dog in a nice landscape so I gloss over it and start reading. I'm reading thinking, "Yah. Uh huh. Cool. I like that too! Nice. Ha ha. Cool. Coolcoolcool." And then I'm thinking, "Wait. Why does this sound so famili.... oh no. No. No, it can't be." But sure enough I click on the tiny profile picture and, oh yes, it's Reese. REESE GODDAMMIT! With a dog! Reese doesn't have a dog! So not is it only false fecking advertising, but seriously?!? You've got to be f#*king kidding me!!!

UNIVERSE! WHY DO YOU INSIST I DATE A PSYCHOPATH?!?

Obviously we're good on paper but maybe there needs to be some story of mental stability test. Here are a couple of suggested questions:

Q1. Someone you've only had a few dates with tells you, very nicely, that they just don't feel a connection. Do you...
(a) ...thank them for their honesty and move on. Plenty of other fish in the sea (and the site come to think of it)?
(b) ...get mad, tell them to go screw themselves and stew for a week?
(c) ...say that's fine, then send them horrible emails and letters and start stalking them until they want you back?

Q2. You've stopped dating and the other person isn't accepting your offer of friendship. Do you...
(a) ...decide they obviously aren't worth it and stop reaching out?
(b) ...figure they aren't getting your messages so send even more?
(c) ...send them a letter with a cheque trying to buy their friendship? (And don't forget to add in some super creepy "friendship" pictures because they will *love* that!)

We know where Reese went with these in real life, but maybe he can actually answer them correctly on paper such that the test wouldn't actually be very helpful.

Anyway, there might be some decent people out there. I should probably  just fork out and pay for a real dating website. But we'll see...

I don't think I'm getting any better at this dating thing

"You know, I sort of like this dating thing, I'm sort of getting the thing here. What I do is, sit back and watch as these strange men try to impress you in weird and stupid ways and then... and then you pick the least disgusting one, I guess."

Lucy Ackerman in If Lucy Fell (a movie I actually quite adore)

I wish I were as relaxed as Lucy. Well, no, maybe I am as relaxed and that's the problem. Maybe I have no filter and I need at least some sort of filter. My problem might be that I always say yes. But I guess you never know until you try, right? You know what actually, I do say no sometimes. Like when that guy approached me downtown bragging about his room at the halfway house. No word of a lie. I said no that time. Well, actually, I said no thanks, I'm very polite. But more recently, I said yes when maybe I should have said no.

I was volunteering at a music show, He was was working sound. It was just after the Reese fiasco so maybe I was looking for a better, last experience (almost anything would be better) or maybe I was just beaten down.

Our introduction was funny. His friend says to me, "Oh, you're tall! You should date my friend Larry* here."

So I say, "Who?" and he says, "Larry, right here."

I peek around the corner and there is Larry, sitting looking sheepish. He stands and is indeed very tall. He is blonde and looks like a little kid though he is a giant.

I say, "Hi Larry, I'm Laura" and thus begins our courtship.

There were a bunch of people around. I just went with it, had fun. We all started joking about why Larry and I were so perfect for each other, you know, us both being tall (I'm actually not that tall, but probably tall among women). and how we should really just marry on the spot. So I ask if anyone is a celebrant and indeed one of the staffers at the concert hall is, and we have a photographer as well, so we joke around, and then Larry and I both have to get to work. Once the show starts I sit with him in the sound booth and we chat a little. He seems very kind and he's also interesting. I don't see a connection though, and yet I give him my phone number. He seems surprised but accepts it.

Later that night he sends a short text saying he enjoyed meeting me and that now I have his number as well. That's it. Simple, nice.

Later that week we make plans to go mini-golfing. He picks me up in an imported European sports car (driver on the right side and everything). The car is cool, but seems a little overdone for someone who seems very understated. Larry says his other car is a minivan and he thought picking me up in the sports car was cooler. I agree.

We go mini-golfing, have good conversation, and I learn that there is more to him than you'd think on first meeting him. He's kind of oafish but in an endearing way. He's chivalrous and considerate. He tells me to figure out who won the golf but it doesn't matter. As nice and interesting as he seems, I'm still not interested.

As we head out we decide to go to dinner and he tells me just to point out anything I see. So I point to once place and he says no. I point to another and he says no. He eventually chooses himself: Applebees. The menu is terrible but I find something to eat, we talk easily, and he pays. Still, I'm not interested.

Larry drives me home and even though I can't see it ever working out, I'm the one who suggests we get together again. And again, he seems surprised. When I get home, for some stupid reason, I send him my email address and home phone number since I hate texting (it's a work mobile, not mine). He responds saying, "So we're supposed to do this again?" And while I know he's half joking, I also know he's half serious. And why did I do that anyway when I'm not interested?

Still, he doesn't call, doesn't email, sends me a couple of scattered text messages. As I'm leaving it to him, nothing goes anywhere. Finally Larry texts me to ask if we're going to go out again. I say no, as kindly and gently as possible.

He didn't do anything wrong, it just wasn't there. And I really need to start paying attention to that instinct so I don't end up with more Reeses, but perhaps I also need to say no when I'm not interested so I also don't hurt nice people's feelings.

*Not his real name

I didn't think I would have to type this, but IT GETS WORSE

Reese. It's not over. Oh I know it should be over. Even you know it should be over. But it's not. It's so ridiculously far from over that it's practically just beginning. Except that I really, really hope that it's now over.

Since the angry email, a few things have happened.

1. Reese has phoned three times; no voicemail.
2. Reese has emailed to invite me to a pool party! All his friend will be there! What a good buddy!
3. Reese has not addressed the angry email before phoning or inviting me to parties.

But Wednesday, oh Wednesday, he addressed it. He addressed the hell out of it. He did a ten-gun-salute, tap dance on that mother f*#ker. (No, I don't know what that literally means, but figuratively it means that her overdid the "addressing it" thing.)

I get home from work on Wednesday and there's an envelope in the mail that isn't a bill! YAY! It's quite thick, hand-addressed! Exciting! It has no return address and the post code is some L place! Mysterious!

I open it. I see that there is a letter, and some pictures and a cheque. Intriguing! Who is sending me money? I love getting money! No here's where I'm actually pretty stupid. I don't look at the pictures or the letter, I zoom right in on the cheque, and I don't look at the name in the top left corner either. I first look at the amount - $400! - and then I look at the signature. I squint trying t make it out. And what I read is the name of a famous designer and I wonder why in the hell *they* would be sending me $400. And then my brain actually turns on.

No, I can't tell you the designer I thought sent me $400 without possibly compromising Reese's true identity/ But I can come up with something similar. So let's say Reese's last name was Lorenz. So I look at the signature on the cheque and think, "Why would Ralph Lauren send me $400?" Same initials, number of letters in the first and last name, and apparently more plausible that Ralph Lauren would send me $400 than it is the Reese Lorenz would.

So when my brain finally starts to engage, I think, "Nooooooooooooooooooooo, that couldn't..." and then I look in the top left and see that indeed the cheque is actually from Reese Lorenz. So now I'm somewhat intrigued, but mostly concerned. I look at the pictures. They aren't helping me feel better. So I go to the letter.

Page one (yes, there is more than one page): "I'm sorry about that email, it was wrong and I wish I could take it back. You didn't deserve that." (Note that these "quotes" are very loosely paraphrased.) And that was it. Oh but no. that should have been it but as you know there are more pages and both a cheque and some pictures to explain.

Page two: "Here is $400 so you'll be friends with me. Spend it however you want. I was going to buy a kayak but I am evil and don't deserve one so here, you take my kayak fund." Now, really, if I think about it, he might be paying me for the couple of times we kissed, in which case, I must be a really amazing kisser! I should definitely include that in any future online dating profiles. On the other hand, I'm only worth $400?!? WTF dude? Your house is paid off! You can remortgage that shit and pay me what I'm worth! Which actually, he could never afford.

Page three: "I know your tri-a-try is this weekend so I want to come cheer you on! But that would be weird. But I'm going to come anyway! But no, maybe that would be weird. But screw it! We're friends and a friend would be there for you! But no, it would be psychotic to show up. So instead I went to your race site and took these pictures of me holding GIANT signs cheering you on along your route so that you'll know I'm right there with you!" And that is actually the least paraphrased bit of the whole thing. Seriously. It pretty much said exactly that. He argues with himself on paper and then ended up being even creepier that he would have been if he'd shown up (though I would have been pissed, because we are *not* friends).

So after consulting a couple of friends and the women's crisis line (yes seriously because what kind of crazy person does this and should I be worried?) I package it all back up and mail it back to Reese (though not before making copies in case I need them for a future restraining order) with a delivery confirmation and a note asking him to never contact me again.

The mail was delivered on Friday, He did not (that I know of , anyway) come to my try-a-tri on Saturday. And I hope that is the last you'll ever hear of Reese.

(Also, the friends who set us up are mortified. But how were they to know he was bat-shit insane? He was their neighbour, seemed friendly, quiet and normal. Luckily, in the middle of all this setting up, they moved. Imagine the awkwardness were they still neighbours?)