The martyr

The title. That could really be either of us. Bud or I. For different reasons. Him because he seems to always want to save someone, and me because I feel compelled to go out with him again despite a bad second date. Perhaps I feel compelled because it was a set up by a mutual friend and I really need to give this guy a real chance. But no. I always do this. After my gut says, "Stop. Just Stop." One date, months of dating, a real relationship, whatever the case, I rationalize everything:

• It was a first date; they're always bad.
• It takes him awhile to open up.
• He said that terrible thing because he was nervous.
• He just doesn't get dating; I need to help him out.
• I'm sure I'm just reading it/him wrong.
• I'm overreacting.
• It was just one argument
• Etc.

But no. No, no, no. I must start heeding my gut! After almost a year in a relationship, lying in bed at home one night, I asked myself, "Do I even love him?" And my answer was no, not anymore, if ever. But then I thought, of course I do! It's just that it's been a bit routine lately. I need to remember the good stuff. This is just a rough patch. We're fine. We will be fine. And then less than a week later he dumped me. Didn't love me. Huh. I had known it was done. Had felt it but ignored it. Then had actually been surprised when he dumped me.

Then there was the guy I was dating for about two months when I started to wonder. Started to think he was kind of an ass and that maybe I was better off without an ass. But again, I told myself to stop being a jerk (surely I was the ass!), that he deserved a(nother) chance, carried on a bit longer. Then about a week later I really gave in to the gut, finally, messaged him to meet for coffee (so we could talk about this, the fact that it didn't seem to be working), and instead got dumped right then and there.. via a text message. (See Guy #3.)

So I do have a good hunch for when it's not working, but I'm some sort of dating martyr. Maybe I have to let them dump me so they feel in control, or maybe I let them dump me because, though it sometimes hurts, it's actually easier to be the dumpee (well, when you're resigned to the relationship being over already anyway).

And here we are. A bad second date. Dinner and lots of time to talk. He talked about a couple of things that I just knew would not be a good scene for me. Without revealing too much let's just say that Bud didn't know when to let go and probably didn't want to. Wanted to keep rescuing the undeserved damsel. She was not me. And I could see it would be very hard for there to be a place for me with said damsel in the picture forever. Because despite all the damsel had done to Bud, he was not done rescuing her.

Still (oh yes) I agreed to a third date. We had sat face to face twice now (dates one and two). Bud had not been particularly amusing and I thought I needed to get him out doing something, give him an opportunity to have and to be fun. So I said we should go mini-golfing. Perhaps we will. Or perhaps I'll wise up before it gets to that.

Besides, married couple friends have also offered to set me up. Twice in one month? I haven't been set up in years! When it rains... And to be honest, I have more faith in this set up. This friend has had a crazy filter for years, not letting any single guy he knew near me with a ten-foot pole. So if he says someone has passed his screening, I already think it's a pretty good start.