I woke up this morning with more than a little sadness weighing on me. As I lay in bed getting ready to actually get up, I tried to figure out why I should awake feeling so forlorn. And then I remembered: last night I dreamt that somebody loved me. It’s not just a beautiful song by the Smiths.
I remembered dreaming that I was away somewhere doing work. There were two guys working on something else that I stayed with, and I guess I ended up in a relationship with one of them. (You know how dreams are: somehow you know things to be true in them even though you didn’t see them happen, and nothing ever makes sense.)
It seems we were quite happy and in love and when we were both supposed to be moving on and parting ways, we really didn’t want to. We ended up deciding we’d stay together. I think I was going to follow him (how very un-feminist of me).
I’ve had similar dreams. Not where I follow some man, but where I’m in love and I just know that it’s a great relationship. That somehow our history is just there and everything is wonderful. I feel loved and supported.
And then I wake up.
And I always feel a sense of sadness, of something missing. And I always eventually remember that, yes, I’d dreamt about being in the relationship I’m still searching for in my waking life.
I love being in love. I miss it when I’m not. But I’m picky about relationships too. I don’t hop from one to another; I bide my time only getting involved when I see real potential. So I go for long periods of being single. And there’s nothing wrong with that – except that I’d rather not be.
I’m glad that I don’t get into relationships just for the sake of it. I’ve seen others do it and they are never fulfilled. But there comes a point in my singledom where the loveless wall hits me and I achingly miss being in love.
I think my subconscious cues these dreams at these times. They remind me how wonderful it is – when it’s right. So even though I wake with sadness, I am also reminded that it’ll be worth it when it comes. And so I wait to fall in love again.
