The title. That could really be either of us. Bud or I. For different reasons. Him because he seems to always want to save someone, and me because I feel compelled to go out with him again despite a bad second date. Perhaps I feel compelled because it was a set up by a mutual friend and I really need to give this guy a real chance. But no. I always do this. After my gut says, "Stop. Just Stop." One date, months of dating, a real relationship, whatever the case, I rationalize everything:
- It was a first date; they're always bad.
- It takes him awhile to open up.
- He said that terrible thing because he was nervous.
- He just doesn't get dating; I need to help him out.
- I'm sure I'm just reading it/him wrong.
- I'm overreacting.
- It was just one argument
- Etc.
But no. No, no, no. I must start heeding my gut! After almost a year in a relationship, lying in bed at home one night, I asked myself, "Do I even love him?" And my answer was no, not anymore, if ever. But then I thought, of course I do! It's just that it's been a bit routine lately. I need to remember the good stuff. This is just a rough patch. We're fine. We will be fine. And then less than a week later he dumped me. Didn't love me. Huh. I had known it was done. Had felt it but ignored it. Then had actually been surprised when he dumped me.
Then there was the guy I was dating for about two months when I started to wonder. Started to think he was kind of an ass and that maybe I was better off without an ass. But again, I told myself to stop being a jerk (surely I was the ass!), that he deserved a(nother) chance, carried on a bit longer. Then about a week later I really gave in to the gut, finally, messaged him to meet for coffee (so we could talk about this, the fact that it didn't seem to be working), and instead got dumped right then and there.. via a text message. (See Guy #3.)
So I do have a good hunch for when it's not working, but I'm some sort of dating martyr. Maybe I have to let them dump me so they feel in control, or maybe I let them dump me because, though it sometimes hurts, it's actually easier to be the dumpee (well, when you're resigned to the relationship being over already anyway).
And here we are. A bad second date. Dinner and lots of time to talk. He talked about a couple of things that I just knew would not be a good scene for me. Without revealing too much let's just say that Bud didn't know when to let go and probably didn't want to. Wanted to keep rescuing the undeserved damsel. She was not me. And I could see it would be very hard for there to be a place for me with said damsel in the picture forever. Because despite all the damsel had done to Bud, he was not done rescuing her.
Still (oh yes) I agreed to a third date. We had sat face to face twice now (dates one and two). Bud had not been particularly amusing and I thought I needed to get him out doing something, give him an opportunity to have and to be fun. So I said we should go mini-golfing. Perhaps we will. Or perhaps I'll wise up before it gets to that.
Besides, married couple friends have also offered to set me up. Twice in one month? I haven't been set up in years! When it rains... And to be honest, I have more faith in this set up. This friend has had a crazy filter for years, not letting any single guy he knew near me with a ten-foot pole. So if he says someone has passed his screening, I already think it's a pretty good start.
So. The blind date was okay. Yes, just okay. In fact, walking home from it my friend Jim texts me to ask how it was and I tell him, "He was nice."
Jim: Nice? Uh oh.
Me: What? He was nice! That's alright.
Jim: Nice isn't very enthusiastic. It's what you say when they're boring.
Me: No, it was fine. It was good.
Jim: Is he funny?
Me: Not really. I mean, his email was funny but he didn't make me laugh once. I, on the other hand, was very amusing.
Jim: Are you going to go out with him again?
Me: Probably. I mean, first dates are terrible. I should go out with him again.
Jim: Should? Again...
Me: Fine, I want to go out with him again.
Jim: Do you?
Me: No. Maybe. I don't know. But I will.
It was kind of terrible. He at least paid. But he was late. He didn't know where he was going so instead of leaving lots of time to find his way, find parking and be on time, he was just late. That is a *huge* judging factor for me. Especially on a first date. If I can offer any advice to daters it is: BE. ON. TIME.
The second would be that the guy should pay for the first date. I know, I know, how very unfeminist of me, but it shows you are wooing us, courting us, and that it is, in fact, a date. After that first one I don't care if we go "dutch" to eternity, but GAWD MAN! Pay for that first date! At least this guy got one of two right.
Now, this guy, lets call him... Bud. No, I don't know why, it's arbitrary. So Bud tells me he's never really ever dated. Properly. He is recently divorced so he has had at least one relationship, but, as he explains, he never dated, just sort of fell into relationships with friends. This is not surprising and in fact, once revealed, makes so much clear. An "Aha!" moment, if you will. And then he actually asks, "So, how am I doing? Am I doing okay here?" Sigh.
Okay, so, good on him for trying to find out. But suddenly I feel less like I'm on a date than a test drive. The practice run for when he will really date someone. Whatever. Maybe he just really wants to know, and doesn't know, and doesn't think it's weird to ask. So fine. I tell him he's doing okay. I could have told him he shouldn't be late, and that he shouldn't ask how its going, should be able to tell, but hey, maybe he *should* ask that. The former still holds though. Again, don't be late!
So the stiltedness continues, a couple of awkward silences. I am the one starting all the conversations, asking the questions, making him laugh. I'm carrying the whole. Damned. Date. At the end, which I rush along (he wants to go for a walk; I have to "get home to do some over-time") he asks, "What do we do here? Do we just walk away? Shake hands? Hug? Kiss?"
Nice try Bud, but no, no kiss. I say, "How about a hug?"
We do, we make small talk about "next time" and then I leave to walk home. Another mistake. Offer me a ride! I would probably say no on a first date, but definitely offer.
So yes, I will go on date number two. But I will also be drilling the friend who set us up for a little more info on why he thinks we should date. Because both of us being single is simply *not* good enough.
So. I'm going on a date. It really has been ages. To be honest, I don't have high expectations. This is a set-up by a friend. You'd think that would already be a pretty good starting point, but you don't know the person setting us up. I mean, I've had bad luck with setups before and one good friend, goddess bless him, tried *three* times to no avail, and in fact lost three friends in the process (having learned that they were all actually douchebags) but they at least started out with some promise, some thing that connected us - hobbies, interests, just something.
The basis for this set-up: "You're both single."
Oh! Well that's fantastic! I'm sure we'll be married within the month then! Well done, you. Excellent match-making. Why didn't *I* think of that?
So yah, ummm, not super high on the expectation scale. Still. You never know. Stranger things have happened. His email was somewhat funny. So I'll go an put my best foot forward because, well, maybe there actually is something to be had in a completely random setup. We. Shall. See.
