Second date already

I've already had a second date with the first guy. I'll have to name these guys since I have two dates lined up for later this week so lets call guy #1 Sneezy. I'm going to use dwarf names. They may or may not apply. He didn't have a cold or allergies, it was just the first name I thought of. (Don't worry, when I run out of dwarf names I can move onto reindeer).

So, Sneezy and I met for brunch today. It went well. Although again, he paid just a little over half and waited for me to put in. We did hit a few more quiet spots, but again, seem to be into the same things generally and only had one small hiccup when we disagreed on whether *any* topic can be made into a joke. I debated for Team NO. He didn't want to budge, and didn't seem to get that perhaps I said no because of personal experience. But anyway, that aside, I'm still interested enough for a third date. And yet... was that the sign I was supposed to look for?

Meanwhile, this week I have dates with two other guys (the other guy who messaged me and the guy I messaged). So we'll see how those go...

The jig is up

So, I met one of the guys, one of the ones who had messaged me. I hadn't actually told anyone I was trying online dating again, so I definitely hadn't told anyone about the date. But don't I choose the one place that my friend shows up at for after-work drinks with some co-workers. She comes over to say hi. I'm not embarrassed (of the guy or the online dating) but I know I'm going to be in trouble for not fessing up. Sigh. The cat is out of the bag. I just wasn't ready to tell everyone and turn it into a big deal when I may well pull the plug tomorrow.

Anyway, the date was good. We actually know some of the same people (of course!) and have quite a lot in common. He paid for more than half of the bill (did not offer to pay all, just waited for me to notice he hadn't paid it all). The only "ugh" moment came when he went for a smoke. Really? His profile did say "Trying to quit" so maybe it's not a lie, maybe he's just cutting back slowly, I just really don't want to date a smoker. If he really is quitting then that's okay, so for now he's still in. Date two to come...

[UPDATE: And in the end my friend just teased me but she totally understood and let me off the hook.]

And so it begins...

The trials of online dating, I mean.

I have messaged three guys. Only one has responded.

I have received a few messages. I have responded to two. People I did not respond to:

• The guy from Mexico City who wrote, "Nice tattoo."
• The guy as old as my Dad who propositioned me.
• The guy from a city two hours away who wrote, "Too bad you don't want to date outside of your own town."
• The guy who didn't have a picture or a profile and just wanted me to email him. (Scam?)
• The guy who had pictures in full camo gear with guns and ATVs - did you even read my profile?
• The guy who had a picture of a dog but not of himself. (Wait, unless the dog is looking to date?)

So that's what's out there. Like I said, I responded to two, we'll see where that goes. And the one guy who responded to me. One of the other guys who didn't respond actually looked pretty good so that's too bad. But he probably had a good reason, and if my message/profile didn't grab him, then why waste either of our time? I just learned that you don't actually have to respond to every single message and that's good. Because last time I did online dating and I did respond to everyone, even to say, thanks but no, I often got a bad response. You know, like, "You're lucky I even messaged you. I'm a catch and you're not very hot." Right okay, well then I guess we both dodged a bullet, eh?

Hopefully this isn't too soul killing.

And that's a full circle

After all this failed old-fashioned dating, I've come to the conclusion that online dating cannot actually be worse. Right? Well, after three years I'm going to give it another shot.

I have now set up what I think is a witty and amusing, while honest, profile. So it's probably terrible. Anyway, like every site, this one uses "algorithms" to match you with other users based on a bunch of pointless questions you've answered. So I'm checking these out, and I have a (good?) habit of reading the profile before I *really* look at the pictures.

I click on the first one. The profile picture is a far off shot of a guy and a dog in a nice landscape so I gloss over it and start reading. I'm reading thinking, "Yah. Uh huh. Cool. I like that too! Nice. Ha ha. Cool. Coolcoolcool." And then I'm thinking, "Wait. Why does this sound so famili.... oh no. No. No, it can't be." But sure enough I click on the tiny profile picture and, oh yes, it's Reese. REESE GODDAMMIT! With a dog! Reese doesn't have a dog! So not is it only false fecking advertising, but seriously?!? You've got to be f#*king kidding me!!!

UNIVERSE! WHY DO YOU INSIST I DATE A PSYCHOPATH?!?

Obviously we're good on paper but maybe there needs to be some story of mental stability test. Here are a couple of suggested questions:

Q1. Someone you've only had a few dates with tells you, very nicely, that they just don't feel a connection. Do you...
(a) ...thank them for their honesty and move on. Plenty of other fish in the sea (and the site come to think of it)?
(b) ...get mad, tell them to go screw themselves and stew for a week?
(c) ...say that's fine, then send them horrible emails and letters and start stalking them until they want you back?

Q2. You've stopped dating and the other person isn't accepting your offer of friendship. Do you...
(a) ...decide they obviously aren't worth it and stop reaching out?
(b) ...figure they aren't getting your messages so send even more?
(c) ...send them a letter with a cheque trying to buy their friendship? (And don't forget to add in some super creepy "friendship" pictures because they will *love* that!)

We know where Reese went with these in real life, but maybe he can actually answer them correctly on paper such that the test wouldn't actually be very helpful.

Anyway, there might be some decent people out there. I should probably  just fork out and pay for a real dating website. But we'll see...

I don't think I'm getting any better at this dating thing

"You know, I sort of like this dating thing, I'm sort of getting the thing here. What I do is, sit back and watch as these strange men try to impress you in weird and stupid ways and then... and then you pick the least disgusting one, I guess."

Lucy Ackerman in If Lucy Fell (a movie I actually quite adore)

I wish I were as relaxed as Lucy. Well, no, maybe I am as relaxed and that's the problem. Maybe I have no filter and I need at least some sort of filter. My problem might be that I always say yes. But I guess you never know until you try, right? You know what actually, I do say no sometimes. Like when that guy approached me downtown bragging about his room at the halfway house. No word of a lie. I said no that time. Well, actually, I said no thanks, I'm very polite. But more recently, I said yes when maybe I should have said no.

I was volunteering at a music show, He was was working sound. It was just after the Reese fiasco so maybe I was looking for a better, last experience (almost anything would be better) or maybe I was just beaten down.

Our introduction was funny. His friend says to me, "Oh, you're tall! You should date my friend Larry* here."

So I say, "Who?" and he says, "Larry, right here."

I peek around the corner and there is Larry, sitting looking sheepish. He stands and is indeed very tall. He is blonde and looks like a little kid though he is a giant.

I say, "Hi Larry, I'm Laura" and thus begins our courtship.

There were a bunch of people around. I just went with it, had fun. We all started joking about why Larry and I were so perfect for each other, you know, us both being tall (I'm actually not that tall, but probably tall among women). and how we should really just marry on the spot. So I ask if anyone is a celebrant and indeed one of the staffers at the concert hall is, and we have a photographer as well, so we joke around, and then Larry and I both have to get to work. Once the show starts I sit with him in the sound booth and we chat a little. He seems very kind and he's also interesting. I don't see a connection though, and yet I give him my phone number. He seems surprised but accepts it.

Later that night he sends a short text saying he enjoyed meeting me and that now I have his number as well. That's it. Simple, nice.

Later that week we make plans to go mini-golfing. He picks me up in an imported European sports car (driver on the right side and everything). The car is cool, but seems a little overdone for someone who seems very understated. Larry says his other car is a minivan and he thought picking me up in the sports car was cooler. I agree.

We go mini-golfing, have good conversation, and I learn that there is more to him than you'd think on first meeting him. He's kind of oafish but in an endearing way. He's chivalrous and considerate. He tells me to figure out who won the golf but it doesn't matter. As nice and interesting as he seems, I'm still not interested.

As we head out we decide to go to dinner and he tells me just to point out anything I see. So I point to once place and he says no. I point to another and he says no. He eventually chooses himself: Applebees. The menu is terrible but I find something to eat, we talk easily, and he pays. Still, I'm not interested.

Larry drives me home and even though I can't see it ever working out, I'm the one who suggests we get together again. And again, he seems surprised. When I get home, for some stupid reason, I send him my email address and home phone number since I hate texting (it's a work mobile, not mine). He responds saying, "So we're supposed to do this again?" And while I know he's half joking, I also know he's half serious. And why did I do that anyway when I'm not interested?

Still, he doesn't call, doesn't email, sends me a couple of scattered text messages. As I'm leaving it to him, nothing goes anywhere. Finally Larry texts me to ask if we're going to go out again. I say no, as kindly and gently as possible.

He didn't do anything wrong, it just wasn't there. And I really need to start paying attention to that instinct so I don't end up with more Reeses, but perhaps I also need to say no when I'm not interested so I also don't hurt nice people's feelings.

*Not his real name

I didn't think I would have to type this, but IT GETS WORSE

Reese. It's not over. Oh I know it should be over. Even you know it should be over. But it's not. It's so ridiculously far from over that it's practically just beginning. Except that I really, really hope that it's now over.

Since the angry email, a few things have happened.

1. Reese has phoned three times; no voicemail.
2. Reese has emailed to invite me to a pool party! All his friend will be there! What a good buddy!
3. Reese has not addressed the angry email before phoning or inviting me to parties.

But Wednesday, oh Wednesday, he addressed it. He addressed the hell out of it. He did a ten-gun-salute, tap dance on that mother f*#ker. (No, I don't know what that literally means, but figuratively it means that her overdid the "addressing it" thing.)

I get home from work on Wednesday and there's an envelope in the mail that isn't a bill! YAY! It's quite thick, hand-addressed! Exciting! It has no return address and the post code is some L place! Mysterious!

I open it. I see that there is a letter, and some pictures and a cheque. Intriguing! Who is sending me money? I love getting money! No here's where I'm actually pretty stupid. I don't look at the pictures or the letter, I zoom right in on the cheque, and I don't look at the name in the top left corner either. I first look at the amount - $400! - and then I look at the signature. I squint trying t make it out. And what I read is the name of a famous designer and I wonder why in the hell *they* would be sending me $400. And then my brain actually turns on.

No, I can't tell you the designer I thought sent me $400 without possibly compromising Reese's true identity/ But I can come up with something similar. So let's say Reese's last name was Lorenz. So I look at the signature on the cheque and think, "Why would Ralph Lauren send me $400?" Same initials, number of letters in the first and last name, and apparently more plausible that Ralph Lauren would send me $400 than it is the Reese Lorenz would.

So when my brain finally starts to engage, I think, "Nooooooooooooooooooooo, that couldn't..." and then I look in the top left and see that indeed the cheque is actually from Reese Lorenz. So now I'm somewhat intrigued, but mostly concerned. I look at the pictures. They aren't helping me feel better. So I go to the letter.

Page one (yes, there is more than one page): "I'm sorry about that email, it was wrong and I wish I could take it back. You didn't deserve that." (Note that these "quotes" are very loosely paraphrased.) And that was it. Oh but no. that should have been it but as you know there are more pages and both a cheque and some pictures to explain.

Page two: "Here is $400 so you'll be friends with me. Spend it however you want. I was going to buy a kayak but I am evil and don't deserve one so here, you take my kayak fund." Now, really, if I think about it, he might be paying me for the couple of times we kissed, in which case, I must be a really amazing kisser! I should definitely include that in any future online dating profiles. On the other hand, I'm only worth $400?!? WTF dude? Your house is paid off! You can remortgage that shit and pay me what I'm worth! Which actually, he could never afford.

Page three: "I know your tri-a-try is this weekend so I want to come cheer you on! But that would be weird. But I'm going to come anyway! But no, maybe that would be weird. But screw it! We're friends and a friend would be there for you! But no, it would be psychotic to show up. So instead I went to your race site and took these pictures of me holding GIANT signs cheering you on along your route so that you'll know I'm right there with you!" And that is actually the least paraphrased bit of the whole thing. Seriously. It pretty much said exactly that. He argues with himself on paper and then ended up being even creepier that he would have been if he'd shown up (though I would have been pissed, because we are *not* friends).

So after consulting a couple of friends and the women's crisis line (yes seriously because what kind of crazy person does this and should I be worried?) I package it all back up and mail it back to Reese (though not before making copies in case I need them for a future restraining order) with a delivery confirmation and a note asking him to never contact me again.

The mail was delivered on Friday, He did not (that I know of , anyway) come to my try-a-tri on Saturday. And I hope that is the last you'll ever hear of Reese.

(Also, the friends who set us up are mortified. But how were they to know he was bat-shit insane? He was their neighbour, seemed friendly, quiet and normal. Luckily, in the middle of all this setting up, they moved. Imagine the awkwardness were they still neighbours?)