Goodbye and goodbye

I was holding someone in my heart for a long time, and this week I guess I got that sorted out. I didn't get a real answer, but I got answer enough to know I have to let that go. That was disappointing. Two and a half years is a long time to wonder and a long time to build things up in your head, to reaches beyond what was ever real in the first place, thus making failure almost inevitable anyway.

But one thing this reality-check did do was give me enough conviction to tell Chef that I'm not into him. I'm not even a fraction of the into him I felt for the other person. And I'm not saying it always has to be crazy, passionate love, because I know it isn't always (and it wasn't that with this other guy either), but it does have to have some inkling of that, some deeper connection and a physical attraction, and with Chef that's just not there.

It doesn't help that although Chef and I had five dates (none of which he paid for) he never tried to show physical affection beyond a hug - no touching, hand-holding, kissing. Five. Dates. Sneezy did the same thing. So really, how into *me* were they? Sneezy told me after that in fact he was really into me but I'd never have known it from his behaviour. Both of these guys put themselves in the friend zone.

So now I'm kind of exhausted. I've been dating somewhat steadily since June. I know other people do it a lot more, but I'm not those other people. Unfortunately I did just sign up on a paid dating site as per a couple of friends' recent experiences and stories. I was a little too fast to push that shiny red button and now I don't want to waste my money.

I keep saying I'll be more cutthroat about dating and then I'm not. I shouldn't have had a fifth date with Chef so why did I? But maybe now that I'm paying there will be a value-for-money incentive. Heh heh. Who knows.

What I do know is that there are guys I'm into, they are real people, they are usually pretty normal/average (my expectations are not ridiculous), and there must be more of them out there. More like the one I said goodbye to this week, who I both connected with and am attracted to, and for whom I was willing to make an effort. This long-felt connection may not have been reciprocated (either the feelings or the effort required or maybe both) but one of them will, and that will be the right one. The one who can't wait to kiss me and who shows me he's into me. And hopefully I'll find him sooner rather than later.

Should I choose men based on my pulse?

I've been dating Chef for a couple of weeks now. We've had four dates. I've been waffling a bit on him. He seems like a good fit but nothing is actually happening. I would expect a guy to kiss me by the third date, or at least try, I'll let you know if it's not cool. But if you made it past interview screenings one and two, then I like you enough to now find out if there's also sexual chemistry. If a guy doesn't kiss me by date four or five, he's already put himself in the friend zone. I lose interest because I feel like the interest isn't there. And that's where I'm at with Chef. Nice guy, amusing, intelligent, cooks and has really great eyes (he is a good looking guy) but hasn't tried to make a move (nor has he paid for a date). It's also hard to schedule dates when our schedules are polar opposite most days.

I get intimidation and all that, but I also think that people should know how to date. If not, do some research because there are actually a lot of good articles out there. And date three definitely means we like you enough to let you get a bit closer. So get closer.

Well, I just had an acupuncture treatment. My acupuncturist is truly amazing and she has been a great sounding board for my dating woes and online adventures (I also haven't had a headache/migraine since the end of August). It was her that encouraged me to get online and put myself out there. In today's treatment I told her about Chef, about the current state of things, and that I was now almost certain it was doomed. Her response, based on assessing my pulse and energy as I talked about him: "You're just not into him."

Really, all she did was tell me something I was already thinking and knew. She listened to me (apparently I said his name rather like one might bemoan a looming deadline - with a downward tone and deflated sigh) as well as saw my body language, and felt my body's reaction. Her assessment is bang on. I am not twitterpated.

But if I hadn't already mostly made up my mind, should I use those indicators to do so? Maybe this a new screening process I can use after the second date to decide whether to go on a third? Okay, probably not. Even though my acupuncturist is actually very good at reading me, I should probably just make up my own mind instead of fobbing off such an important decision.

I also understand that sometimes the deeper stuff takes time to grow, but we're not out looking to make friends here. In the world of online dating, early chemistry is really a must. When you meet people through friends again and again, feelings have time to develop. Not so with online dating. I've been on many third and fourth dates where I couldn't wait for the fifth and was a smitten kitten. So I know the difference. I just hate that again, a guy who I think is a catch isn't my catch. But what can I do right? Soldier on I must. But first, the dreadful part. I guess I have to let Chef know we won't be having a fifth date.

Wanted: a highly sexual ongoing time

I've just gotten a message from Jason. In his profile, Jason says:

I am looking for someone that is fun, easygoing, exciting, not afraid to let loose, and can handle an amazing casual and highly sexual ongoing time (note: ONGOING) that is mature, respectful and safe and fun!

I'm not sure what that means but I'm also not super keen to find out. Does ONGOING -- which was important enough to mention *twice* -- mean long as in time, or does it mean monogamous? And if it's monogamous then why is it casual? He just wants a lot of sex but forget all the other relationship stuff? Or is it ongoing but not monogamous? It's nice that he wants it to be mature and respectful and safe, but anyway I look at it, it's not really what I'm looking for. Plus, Jason missed the "local" bit too. Why can't men read?

I haven't read the message but I'm not super motivated to do so at this point. In fact, I'm a little frightened. But if and when I do read it, and if it's amusing, I'll be sure to share.

[UPDATED]

This guy really wants sex. His message to me just says the same thing:

Hi there!

I think we are on the same page. Just looking for someone who wants a great ongoing casual sex relationship, that can handle a mature, respectful, fun and SAFE time!

I am 37yr old, 6'1, dark brown hair and eyes, 195lbs, athletic and active guy. I would like to meet someone to make sure we click, and then just have a great ongoing time!

Let me know what you think?

Cheers,

Jason

We are *so* not on the same page, Jason. And, incidentally, Jason no longer has an account. Reported by one too many women, me thinks.

By most standards

"Hello, Your profile caught my interest. By most standards I am considered intelligent, open minded, funny, sporty and a kind man :) Would you like to exchange more info?"

Okay, so it's not creepy, but where is the effort? This guy could have copied and pasted this generic message to 50 women for all I know. Tell me *why* my profile caught your interest. Where do you think we connect?

Also, "by most standards" is not reassuring. *Most* people are idiots. C'mon, you all know it's true. Well, I sure know I'm not average. I'm not saying I'm above average, I'm saying I'm weird. Anyway, your profile already has all that garbage about how awesome you are. Why don't you tell me something new?

It hardly matters though. I'm meeting someone on Thursday. He's a chef so, you know, bonus points already. He loves camping, he lives in the same town, he doesn't smoke, and actually, a couple of people I know also know him (small town, remember?) and say he's good people. So, we'll see. I know that didn't exactly work with Sneezy, but this guy could be totally different. We'll call him Chef, not to be all obvious about it or anything.

To wrap up, I watched the movie Friends with Kids over the weekend. It was no Bridesmaids (yes, I'd heard it compared) but it was amusing. One exchange had me in tears (of laughter):

Leslie: I have at least four set-ups. One of which is promising.
Julie: And what about the other ones?
Leslie: Not as promising.

Ah, the dating life.

Getting it right

Here is a good profile intro (in contrast to the last post):

Intelligent, funny, handsome, honest, dependable, sincere, strange, courageous, tall, fit, handy, worldly, friendly, confident, organized, punctual. These are just a few of the words I know.

Unfortunately I don't think he and I are a match made in heaven given some other profile info, but at least he starts off very well. This guy's messages will probably be returned. (He has not messaged me, just showed up as a possible match.)

So this guy messaged me

FIRST AND FOREMOST, I AM SINGLE. this in itself, speaks volumes!

Really? How? What does it say? That at 39 you're still single so obviously a catch? I mean, you might be a catch, but if you're asking me to interpret this weird introduction, it may not be interpreted well.

Also, this guy LOVES CAPS!! And loves highlighting his amazing features FOR THE LADIES! For example...

I am chivalrous (and YES LADIES, it is NOT dead! LOL!) I'm WITTY, and YES, sarcastic at times. I am VERY compassionate. I would LOVE to meet a woman who can COMPLIMENT my life and NOT COMPLICATE it. I enjoy shopping (YES LADIES, SHOPPING!). IF you are looking for someone who is sincere, honest, funny, hard working AND if you are willing to give the same back to me, then I say drop me a line and let's take this forward....... And if an I'M or Message is sent to you Please be kind and Reply Fair is Fair.

And here is the message he sent me: "Good morning and what a beautiful smile and lovely eyes hope you have a great day Hope to hear from you"

First of all, it's called punctuation, please use it. Second, you should read this:

How to not be terribly, blatantly shallow on OKCupid

Think it through: If you’re messaging someone, they know you’ve seen their pictures and you clearly approve of how they look. Commenting on their appearance comes across as creepy (“nice tits”) or uncreative (“you have beautiful eyes”). So keep your mouth shut (or your typing fingers inactive) when it comes to comments about someone’s face/head/body.

How about telling me what about my profile made you message me. Oh - nothing? Just my face? Thanks but no.

Sorry sir, I won't be replying. Actually, I kind of want to PUNCH you for being ANNOYING. And *you* obviously didn't read *my* profile which says, "You should message me if you live in the same city as me, I'm looking for a local relationship." You're two hours away. Good day sir. I SAID GOOD DAY!