Goodbye and goodbye

I was holding someone in my heart for a long time, and this week I guess I got that sorted out. I didn't get a real answer, but I got answer enough to know I have to let that go. That was disappointing. Two and a half years is a long time to wonder and a long time to build things up in your head, to reaches beyond what was ever real in the first place, thus making failure almost inevitable anyway.

But one thing this reality-check did do was give me enough conviction to tell Chef that I'm not into him. I'm not even a fraction of the into him I felt for the other person. And I'm not saying it always has to be crazy, passionate love, because I know it isn't always (and it wasn't that with this other guy either), but it does have to have some inkling of that, some deeper connection and a physical attraction, and with Chef that's just not there.

It doesn't help that although Chef and I had five dates (none of which he paid for) he never tried to show physical affection beyond a hug - no touching, hand-holding, kissing. Five. Dates. Sneezy did the same thing. So really, how into *me* were they? Sneezy told me after that in fact he was really into me but I'd never have known it from his behaviour. Both of these guys put themselves in the friend zone.

So now I'm kind of exhausted. I've been dating somewhat steadily since June. I know other people do it a lot more, but I'm not those other people. Unfortunately I did just sign up on a paid dating site as per a couple of friends' recent experiences and stories. I was a little too fast to push that shiny red button and now I don't want to waste my money.

I keep saying I'll be more cutthroat about dating and then I'm not. I shouldn't have had a fifth date with Chef so why did I? But maybe now that I'm paying there will be a value-for-money incentive. Heh heh. Who knows.

What I do know is that there are guys I'm into, they are real people, they are usually pretty normal/average (my expectations are not ridiculous), and there must be more of them out there. More like the one I said goodbye to this week, who I both connected with and am attracted to, and for whom I was willing to make an effort. This long-felt connection may not have been reciprocated (either the feelings or the effort required or maybe both) but one of them will, and that will be the right one. The one who can't wait to kiss me and who shows me he's into me. And hopefully I'll find him sooner rather than later.